Book One : Chapter One
CRIMINAL
STUPIDITY
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Astute French customs officers seized more than 5,000 counterfeit baseball
caps at a Paris airport. Because of a coincidental knowledge of U.S.A.
sports, the officers noticed that the caps had the initials N.F.L. (National
Football League) across the top, but that they featured the names of
American basketball and hockey teams.
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| A robbery at an Amsterdam business failed when the masked gunman could not make his request for cash understood. The only staff member present at the time could not speak Dutch. |
Police became suspicious when they saw Tony Brite drive up to the
Virginia Beach court house in a nice new Volvo. A quick check revealed
that the car had been stolen from a dealership the night before, and
that the number plates on the car belonged to a Mercedes Benz.
It seems Brite had decided to attend his preliminary grand theft auto hearing in a stolen car .... |
| Twice-convicted murderer, Andrei Maslich, and another inmate killed and ate a fellow prisoner. Both men told authorities that they were bored and wanted to visit Moscow, where they expected they would be sent for psychiatric examinations. Instead, the two were sentenced to death. |
'Twas Christmas, December 1996 ...
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Edward Hill was waiting his turn for x-rays. The x-rays had been
requested by police who suspected him of concealing drugs. No one
had to wait long, however. Hill defecated on the emergency room
floor, and among his excrement poolice found two bags of crack
cocaine and one bag of marijuana.
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"I've had robbers shoot themselves before, but I never had two robbers shoot each
other." With that revealing summary, Det Tom Pellechio of Miami closed the book on
a pair of stupid teenage crims.
Police arrested Wesley Steny, 16, and Jeanis Caty, 18, after they (allegedly) attempted to hold up a local grocery store. During the robbery, each youth had produced a gun, ordered the clerks to the floor, and demanded that the register be opened. Witnesses say that as Caty leaned over the counter to reach the till, he accidentally discharged his gun, striking Steny in the thigh. The second youth - surprised, and no doubt in some pain - panicked and fired his own gun, hitting Caty in the hands and leg. The pair - and a third, uninjured youth - grabbed $200 from the register and limped out of the store, leaving a clear trail of blood behind them. They were eventually picked up at the local hospital, though the third youth, the cash and the guns, have not yet been located. | |
| Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison. |
Butch Cassidy once called Black Jack Ketchum the
dumbest outlaw he ever saw. Black Jack and his gang would
rob stage coaches and trains in the Old West. Since he
liked a sure thing, Black Jack would insist on robbing the same
stage at the same place at the same time over and over again.
This, naturally, led to his arrest and execution.
Black Jack's last words were "Let 'er rip!" - a most unfortunate choice of wording, considering that when the trap fell, his head was ripped from his body. |
| As a result of a daring robbery in Hong Kong in December 1996, six men got away with 6 containers of frozen chicken wings valued at $323,400. |
Nicaraguan police are searching for a man who killed his
uncle in a failed attempt to steal his gold teeth.
On October 23 1996, Francisco Javier Montalvan, 25, beat and kicked his uncle, Manuel Ignacio Montalvan, an auto parts salesman, while the victim was drunk. The dead man suffered damage to his liver and kidney, three broken ribs and countless blows to the mouth. None of his gold teeth fell out. |
| Would-be thieves broke into a Coca-Cola plant in Ontario and went to work on the company safe with an arc welder. They fled once they realised that they had welded the safe shut. |
SARAJEVO, November 19, 1996: A domestic dispute turned ugly when
a Bosnian Serb fired a bazooka at his wife.
The incident took place in the town of Bijeljina, 160 kilometres northeast of Sarajevo. "The woman tried to flee the house but the husband followed her with a bazooka. He fired his bazooka at his wife, missed, and hit his house, causing serious damage," said United Nations spokesman Alexander Ivanko. Petro Tolijic was arrested and charged with illegal possession of a firearm and disturbing the peace. Tolijic's wife was not injured. |
| A 58-year-old Lithuanian woman was arrested after a botched attempt to castrate her husband. Heavily intoxicated, the woman had only managed to sever one testicle. |
A Swedish man was arrested when he threatened to kill his neighbour
with his pet poisonous snake, a King Cobra.
Police said he was the first person in Sweden to be arrested for using a snake as a weapon. The cobra was taken to a nearby zoo. |
| Gerald Dixon, 26, of Oshawa, Canada, walked into a Bank of Montreal branch claiming he was armed with a gun, and stole $2,600 (CAN). He was arrested a short time later when he returned to the very same branch and attempted to deposit $2,000 cash into his personal account. |
Tales of this sort have been around for a while, and have now reached the
status of 'urban legend'. This is the latest, confirmed, report of what
must be considered a growing trend.
Source: Los Angeles Times, November 27 1996.
Juan Tamalatxe, 38, broke into a woman's apartment and - hearing someone
approaching - took refuge under the bed.
The tenants, Mora Kai Lane and her son, returned home and watched television
for two hours before the woman heard a noise coming from the bedroom and called police.
"We arrived a few minutes later," Lt. Dan Johnson said, "and found (Tamalatxe)
sound asleep under the bed."
The suspect was being held in lieu of $10,000 bail.
Here's another ...
Source: Associated Press
A 22-year-old Malaysian locksmith was arrested after he broke into several offices,
opened one safe, and was then so tired that he needed to take a nap.
An office worker found the burglar snoring away at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and called
the police, who dutifully arrived and arrestedd the sleeping man.
And here's a variation on the theme ...
A burglar entered the home of Tom Schimmel in Tawas City, Michigan,
collected valuables, fixed himself a bowl of cereal, laid down in
Schimmel's bed and fell asleep.
When Schimmel returned to his house and discovered the crime, he called
police. Officers investigated, completed their reports, and departed.
When Schimmel noticed the sleeping burglar several hours later, he
summoned the police again. They awakened the man and identified him as the thief. |
| An unidentified 32-year-old Italian man, under house arrest in Rome for armed robbery, begged police to take him to prison to escape his mother's constant nagging. Police took no action, but suggested he seek legal advice. |
When police arrived at the scene of an Idaho burglary, home-owner Harlan
Collinsworth gave them a list of stolen items. Among the stolen items were
a bong used to smoke marijuana and a film canister containing his pot stash.
"While showing me this container, he explained that the suspect had failed to take his marijuana pipe," Officer S.W. Childers said. "When I asked where it was, Harlan pulled it from the container." Collinsworth, 20, was given a citation for possession of drug paraphernalia. |
| A 21-year-old man barricaded himself inside the STAR FM radio station in Wellington, New Zealand, and took the station manger hostage. Claiming to be in posession of a bomb, the man demanded that the radio plkay the song "Rainbow Connection", by muppet Kermit the Frog. |
From the "ONLY IN AMERICA" file...
"It's just crazy the things that people do. People do some weird, weird things," according to California Highway Patrol Officer Joe Escobar. Here are some of the things spotted on Los Angeles freeways:
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Down in Charlottesville, Virginia, Federal agents searched a
home looking for Michael Anthony Smith who was wanted on a cocaine
possession charge. When they opened the basement refrigerator,
33-year-old Smith was hiding behind a six-pack of malt liquor.
Two of the beers were open.
"I almost want to smile," said U.S. Magistrate B. Waugh Crigler who denied Smith's bail. | |
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25-year-old Israeli prisoner Amir Hazan, serving 10 years for acts of
violence, sued the Israeli Prison Service over his right to have an
inflatable sex doll in his cell. Israel's Supreme Court denied his request,
agreeing with prison authorities that the doll could be used to cover an
escape attempt, hide drugs, or cause a riot.
Hazan's response? "I've been in jail since the age of 14. If they let me be with a woman, I would give up on getting a doll." | |
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A burglar in Paris set new standards for the entire criminal
world, when, on November 4, 1933, he attempted to rob the home
of an antique dealer. At the time of his attempted crime he was
dressed in a 15th-century suit of armour - which dramatically
imited his chances both of success and escape.
He had not been in the house many minutes before its owner was awakened by the sound of the clanking metal. The owner got up and went out on to the landing where he saw the suit of armour climbing the stars. The clearheaded home-owner knocked the burglar off balance, dropped a small sideboard across his breastplate, and went off to call the police. During police questioning a voice inside the armour confessed to being a thief trying to pull off a daring robbery. "I thought I would frighten him," he said. Unfortunately for our modern Ned Kelly, the pressure of the sideboard had so dented his breastplate that it was impossible to remove the armour for 24 hours, during which period he had to be fed through the visor. | |
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