Book One : Chapter Four
PUBLIC
STUPIDITY
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After Muhammed Ali was given the honour of lighting the Olympic
flame for the Atlanta Olympics, Joe Frasier was quoted as saying,
"If I'd been with him, I would have pushed him in the fire."
A Californian woman was rushed to hospital as a result of her odd attempt to get high. She had killed a deadly black widow spider, mixed it with distilled water, and injected the resulting cocktail into a vein. |
In January 1997, Public Relations company Fineman Associates
published a list of what it called the "Worst Public Relations
Gaffes of 1996". Among the list was such jewels as:
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In 1949, forecasting the relentless march of science, Popular
Mechanics said "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
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France's ambassador to New Zealand, Jacques Le Blanc, told journalists at the New Zealand
National Press Club, that he disliked
references to French underground nuclear tests in the Pacific as involving 'bombs'.
"I do not like this word 'bomb'", he said. "It is not a bomb. It is a device which is exploding." New Zealand journalists greeted his remarks with the response they deserved. |
A Swedish court has fined a couple $US680 for not giving their son a suitable
first name, a ruling that the parents dispute.
Although the five-year-old's name is pronounced Albin, the parents decided that
it is written: The case is continuing... And in a similar case ... A Danish court recently ordered a woman to pay a fine of $91 each week - up from an initial fine of $18 a week set in 1989 - for refusing to change the spelling of her son's first name - Christophpher. Under Danish law, only names listed by the Ministry of Ecclesiastical Affairs may be given to children, thus her spelling of his name with a double "ph" is illegal. The woman has so far paid about $4,545 in fines. | ||||||||
| In November 1960 an American rocket launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, went off course and crashed in Cuba, killing a cow. The Cuban government gave the cow an official funeral as the victim of 'imperialist aggression.' |
An American anthropologist visiting predominantly buddhist Japan during the
Christmas season noticed that retail merchants there had begun
to take a great interest in the symbolism of Christmas...
Wandering into a large department store in Tokyo he saw a Christmas display that prominently featured Santa Claus nailed to a cross. | ||||||||
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According to a report in a prominent soviet newspaper, communist officials
in Siberia once ordered 1,000 bathtubs that were too long for the bathrooms
in the hostel they were building. Holes had to be knocked in the walls,
allowing the tubs to stick out into the hallways.
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| In an anti-smoking campaing in 1983, Brooke Shields was quoted as saying, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." |
A petrol price war in suburban Canada got out of hand when a new petrol
station opened and advertised significantly lower prices. Two nearby
stations matched the price, and soon all three were lowering prices
by the minute until regular petrol was selling for 1.6 cents a litre.
Police were finally called in when the new station began paying customers 0.3 cents a litre to take their petrol away, and the subsequent rush caused a public hazard. | ||||||||
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Only a government could do it...
According to the official U.S. government records, for each single enemy death during the Viet Nam War the U.S.A. expended 39,424 pounds of ammunition at a cost of $2,436,657 of taxpayer's money. |
TRUE HEADLINES!!!!
These headlines actually appeared in published newspapers...
"Marijuana fine dropped to $100 by joint panel."
"Heavy drinking blamed for alcoholism."
"Headless body in topless bar."
"Man found dead in cemetary."
"Man found decapitated died of head injuries."
"Abortion shouldn't hinder pregnancy."
"Hilda Tucker Horney, at 81." | ||||||||
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As part of a mass mailing promotion, the Pacific Telephone
Company in America sent 12,000 letters to the town
of Paradise, California.
All were addressed to the same person. |
I'M SORRY, I'LL READ THAT AGAIN ...
Ever got your tongue so twisted that you ended up with your foot in your mouth? Some of these may very well have passed into the realms of urban legend by now... Live promo on US television: 'Stay tuned for Charles Dickens immortal classic, A Sale of Two Titties.' American sports commentator: 'Anderson has injured his nose. It looks like the same nose he injured last year.' Game show contestant: 'I work for the Pittsburgh Gas Company. At least 90 per cent of people in Pittsburgh have gas.' Newsreader: 'The bodies of two women were found floating in the bay, tied to concrete, bound with electrical cord, and with stab wounds ... police suspect foul play.' | ||||||||
| A memo issued by Elkman Advertising, McDonald's Philadelphia, USA, advertising agency, defined McDonald's competition as including 'drive-in restaurants, full-menu restaurants, indigestion remedies and dog food'. |
FOOT IN MOUTH
You know the feeling. The moment the words spill out you think to yourself, 'I wish I hadn't said that!'. Spare a thought for these poor foot-in-mouthers...who not only said stupid things, but said them loud enough for other people to hear!
'No woman in my time will be Prime Minister.'
'Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.'
'You will never amount to much.'
'Hurricane Gloria will not strike Taiwan.'
'Can't act, can't sing, slightly bald. Can dance a little.'
'We rule by love and not by the bayonet.'
'Try another profession. Any other.' | ||||||||
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Angry bus patrons in the midlands of England complained to officials
when drivers repeatedly failed to stop and pick them up.
The official reply from the company stated, "It is impossible for the drivers to keep their timetables if they have to stop for passengers." | |||||||||
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The cooling system of the University of Florida's nuclear reactor
malfunctioned five times between 1975 and 1978 when a toilet in the
reactor building was flushed.
However, universities are full of intelligent people, so a solution was bound to be found. It was. A sign on the lavatory now reads, "Please don't flush the toilet while the reactor is running". |
DID I REALLY SAY THAT?
Sometimes even the great can be left wondering why they opened their mouths...
'Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable
to breathe, would die of asphyxia.'
'Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant,
if not utterly impossible.'
'I have never been in any accident of any sort worth speaking about.' | ||||||||
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In 1920 the New York Times ridiculed Professor Robert Goddard's assertion
that rockets could function in a vacuum, saying 'He seems only to lack the
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.' (Presumably they were referring
to the inability of fire to exist without oxygen.)
In 1969, when Apollo 11 landed on the moon, the Times published a retraction. The lead singer of the rock band "Butthole Surfers" suffered a punctured ear drum during a performance in their hometown, Austin, Texas. In 1992, an L.A. County parking control officer wrote a ticket for an illegally parked car. The cop failed to notice that the driver of the car was stiff, discolored, and had been dead for some time. |
MORE REAL HEADLINES!!
Include your children when baking cookies Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents Farmer bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? Stud tires out Prostitutes appeal to Pope Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over Soviet virgin lands short of goal again British left waffles on Falkland Islands Lung cancer in women mushrooms Eye drops off shelf Teacher strikes idle kids Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead Squad helps dog bite victim Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged cow injures farmer with ax Plane too close to ground, crash probe told Miners refuse to work after death Juvenile court to try shooting defendant Stolen painting found by tree Two Soviet ships collide, one dies 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years Never withhold Herpes infection from loved one Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 | ||||||||
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A nine-year-old visitor to South Shields Museum in the United Kingdom
correctly identified a 'Roman sesterce coin from between 135 and 138 AD'
as a plastic token given away by a soft drink company.
When the Swedish Defense Ministry advertised two decommissioned submarines for sale, a helpful spokesman pointed out that while they were still capable of submerging, resurfacing could be a problem. |
Poor english in the newspapers is not limited to the professionals. Even
the classified ads are a good source of colourful language...
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last . This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. See ladies blouses. 50% off! Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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And these beauties from the radio:
| Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction. When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after. Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
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Okay - we've seen some really poor use of english from ordinary
motorists, we've seen some poor english from people writing
classified ads, and we've seen some poor english from journalists.
But none of those people are supposed to be highly educated, intelligent
people (especially the journalists!)
| But if these medical reports are any indication of the level of education given to our doctors, then I think I'll just stay away from hospitals, thank you very much ...
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee
amputation last year.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.
Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the ER and are not
available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original
complaints.
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When the French Academy was preparing its first dictionary, it
defined "crab" as, "A small red fish which walks backwards."
This definition was sent with a number of others to the naturalist
Cuvier for his approval.
| The scientist wrote back, "Your definition, gentlemen, would be perfect, only for three exceptions. The crab is not a fish, it is not red and it does not walk backwards."
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