Really BAD
Movies

Look for the cream-coloured text for a real laugh!

Son of Kong (1933) set the benchmark for dud sequels for years to come.

1. Plan 9 from Outer Space (I'd have to agree with them here!)
2. The Creeping Terror
3. The Wild Women of Wongo
4. They Saved Hitler's Brain
5. Mars Needs Women
6. Godzilla versus the Smog Monster
7. The Thing with Two Heads
8. EEGAH!
9. Robot Monster (Another of my favourites!)
10. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Rabbits. This was a horrow film in which the horror turned out to be a horde of monster (but still very cute and fluffy) rabbits.

'Nuff said.

Starred: Paul Cavanagh, Raymond Burr, Barbara Payton and Lon Chaney Jr

SYNOPSIS: Plantation owner Klas Van Gelder (Cavanagh) is killed in a fight by his manager, Barney Chavez (Burr). Chavez takes up with the dead man's love, Dina (Payton). He is poisoned by a loyal servant, but rather than die he becomes ... a human gorilla!

The movie cost $24 million to produce, which included a 40ft mechanical Kong that was only eventually seen on screen for a total of about fifteen seconds. Whilst the 40ft robot was the star of the publicity, it was the most unconvincing Kong in the movie. The majority of Kong is portrayed by movie make-up legend Rick Baker in a gorilla suit.

In order to make Kong's chest rebound realistically when he thumped it, Baker manufactured the suit's chest from dozens of condoms filled with water.

"I can blame it all on Dracula", he once wrote. "Since then Hollywood has scribbled a little card of classification for me, and it looks as if I'll never be able to prove my mettle in any other kind of role."

His slide included such duds as The Devil Bat (1941), Zombies on Broadway (1945), and Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952).

Then he met Edward D Wood, and discovered new celluloid depths.

Marital break-ups, drink and drugs took their toll. Although he submitted himself for treatment in 1955 and was apparently cured, his body finally gave up the ghost in 1959.

Wood was responsible for several of the movies that constantly appear in lists of the worst movies of all time - including the one at the head of this chapter. His legendary output includes Bride of the Monster (1953) and Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959).

Among Wood's classic cinema moments:

In Bride of the Monster (1953):
• A silent phone is answered, because Wood forgot to dub in the ringing sound.
• Bela Lugosi mutters, "Don't be afraid of Lobo, he's as harmless as a kitchen." The line was supposed to read "kitten", but the weary and drug-ridden actor refused to reshoot it, and Wood was happy to let it stand.
• In the finale, Wood's assistants couldm't manage to correctly operate the rubber arms of a fake octopus borrowed from Paramount. As a result Lugosi is clearly seen to struggle with an inert, lifeless, rubber prop.
• The sinister atomic ray machine - the fruit of the evil doctor's labours - is played by an old, but very recognisable, photographic enlarger.
• Police Captain Robbins wanders through the movie with a pet parakeet for a partner. Why? Because the role was played by one Harvey Dunn, who's usual role was that of a clown at children's parties. His routine always included the bird.

In Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959):
• Paper plates and the hubcaps of a 1957 Chevrolet were used for flying saucers.
• Bela Lugosi died during filming, but was replaced by the director's wife's homeopathic healer - a man who looked nothing like Lugosi, and was in fact considerably taller.
• The gravestones in the cemetary shake visibly as the actors walk past.
• Scenes switch unaccountably between night and day - even reverse shots!

One of the worst was Frogs (1972). They weren't giant frogs, they weren't alien frogs, they weren't even angry radioactive frogs. They were just frogs.

Beaudine differs from Wood, in that some of his films are actually well regarded. But with an output like Beaudine's - and working for the notoriously cheap Monogram Studios - the vast bulk of his work was bound to be crud.

Between 1922 and 1965, Beaudine directed more than 300 movies - he directed ten movies in 1942 alone. Among his output are the classics, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952), Billy the Kid versus Dracula (1965) and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1965).

Unlike Wood, Beaudine was honest enough to realise that he was no Hitchcock. When pushed to complete one of his works on time, he replied, "You mean somebody out there is actually waiting to see this?"

How cheap were Monogram and Beaudine? In Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, we are invited into the library - which has no books; the thought-transference machine consists of two motorcycle helmets; there are no exteriors, only a drab painted backdrop; and Jesse never actually meets Frankenstein's daughter - he meets his granddaughter!

It tells the heartwarming story of an old country doctor who injects his pregnant wife with snake venom to cure her of insanity. She dies in childbirth but the baby girl grows to be a beautiful woman with a talent for turning herself into a king cobra whenever she feels like offing someone.