BE WARNED THAT THIS PAGE CONTAINS FOUL, DISGUSTING JOKES - If that is not to your taste.............................. PISS OFF!!!

A young girl sat on Santa's knee.

He said, "What would you like for Christmas, little girl?"

"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.

"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa....

A Kiwi, a Yank, and an Aussie were bull-shiting to each other one day.

The kiwi turns to the other and says, "The Sheep in NZ are so big that they take a whole day to be shorn".

The others shake their heads in disbelief until the Yank turns around and says, "Well that's nothing! Back in Texas the cattle are so big it takes a forklift to turn the steaks over on the barby".

The other two laugh until the Aussie turns around and says, "Well in Australia the women have fannys this big (making a hand gesture that even a fisherman would be proud of; eg hands approx. 1 meter apart)", the other two turn around and laugh and say, "Well how do you fuck them?" with which the Aussie replies,

"They Stretch!"

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes..."

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights at Indoor Cricket or playing Squash.

One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

"No, no. He's just one of the guys from Indoor Cricket."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from Squash."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the fucking intercom....."

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?

A: Two tits!

Q: Why did god invent football?

A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

Q: Why do woman always appear to be changing their minds?

A: It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!

Q: Why hasn't a woman walked on the moon?

A: Because it doesn't need cleaning!

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?

A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A: A battery has a positive side.

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..." Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat. He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?" "Yeah it's me," he says. "Do you want me to come out?" she asks "Yes please," he says. "Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks. He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

A woman goes into the local sports store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's twenty first birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The check-out clerk is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Baitcaster 2700 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199 00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fish bait is $19.50."

It's not difficult to make a woman happy, a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. to never forget:

     * birthdays

     * anniversaries

     * arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Give him a fuck.

2. Leave him alone!!!!!!!!

Q. Why did God create woman?

A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow!

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?

A. Because they think men care.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?

A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?

A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry her!

Q. How is a woman like a condom?

A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

Q. How are cyclone and marriage alike?

A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

A. She knows she's given her last blowjob.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me....".

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't!! There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?

A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling At the front door, who do you let in first?

A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A. Divorced.

Scientists have discovered certain food can diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the ground floor.

The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."

The brunette leans over and smells the stain and says "Smells like a cum stain".

The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

What do women and prawns have in common?

-There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great!!

A bloke dressed in a shearing singlet and with tatoos all over his body enters a pub and walks up to the bar, and asks the barman for a beer.

He drinks the beer and looks around the bar and spots three young blokes siting at a table talking.

He walks over to the table and says to one of the guys "I've fucked your Mum!" then he walkes back to the bar and orders another beer.

When he finishes that beer he walks back to the three blokes and says to the same fellow "I've had my cock in your mothers mouth!", he then walkes back to the bar and orders another beer.

Once again, when finished he walks back to the youths and says "I've fucked your mother up the arse!".

The young bloke slowly gets up, hand firmly grasping his drink, looks the tatooed bloke in the eye and says firmly "Look, I have just come down here for a quite drink. You are starting to embarrass me.................Why don't you fuck off home Dad!!"

Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.

After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"

The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."

The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee"?

"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."

The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."

The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."

The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.

A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said,

"A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"

A married couple go off the Jamaica on their honeymoon, as you can expect they had a fantastic time. Non-stop Sex for 2 Solid weeks.

Upon there return the wife was feeling really sick, this went on every day for a week. So she decided to go to the Doctors. She explained that she had come back from her Honeymoon and could he possibly do some Tests?

A week later she returned to the doctors for the results..... The Doctor said "How do you feel about changing dirty nappies?"...

"Oh fantastic, I'm pregnant" she replied.....

"No" said the Doctor, "But you have got Bowel Cancer"!!!

Little Johnny comes home from school and his Mum asks him how his day was. To which Johnny replies, "Great. I had my first ever fuck!"

Disgusted, Johnny's Mum sends him to his room until his Dad returns home from work.

Half an hour later, his Dad is told the story by his Mum and is asked to go up to his room to reprimand Johnny.

He sits down next to the lad and says, "Son. I heard that you had your first fuck today. Good lad! Congratulations! When do you think you will get the next one?"

Little Johnny moans, "When my arse stops bleeding I suppose!"

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "It's my elderly aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, sit down and stick out your tongue."

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!" The Doctor looked at her and said, "It's against my code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refused, apologetically, and says, "As a doctor, I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor, "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you right now!"

A son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"